Reconstruction News Network

Item: FEMA is still doing a heckuva job! They've setup a website where victims and evacuees can use their laptop computers and wi-fi internet connections to see if they qualify to apply for an application for consideration for possible future relief. They've setup a call center where operators are standing by to offer sympathy. They're stimulating the economy by handing out billions in no-bid contracts to experienced government contractors, avoiding red tape and passing the savings on to American taxpayers. FEMA: we're from the government and we're here to help!

Item: The cleanup is going great! The EPA has determined that, while elevated, residual levels of Benzo (a) pyrene, Arsenic, Barium, Cadmium, Chromium, Lead, Benzene, Chlorobenzene, Toluene and Carbon Disulfide in the sludge covering the 9th Ward do not pose a risk of immediate death as long as protective equipment and clothing are used to minimize exposure. This is great news for returning residents!

Item: We're rebuilding schools in New Orleans! After only three months, the first school has reopened. One school is, what, 1000% percent more schools than no schools? Or maybe it's infinity percent more schools. We're not too good at that math and science stuff, but we're pretty sure one school is some rather large or even imaginary number more than zero schools, percentage-wise. No child will be left behind!

Item: Free and fair elections will be held in New Orleans! Although February's local elections have been canceled, election officials are on track to hold elections at some future point, probably by November 2006. With most Democrats former voters now relocated to other areas of the country, election officials expect few lines and no problems. Let freedom rain!

OK, then.